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Thinking about my Breakup and Next Steps – Vlog July 03 2016
November 13, 2016

From the walk

Framework:

  1. 1. Select your relationship KPI (key performance indicator).
  2. 2. Clearly define the meanings – implicit & explicit – surrounding your KPI.
  3. 3. Crate a pro argument for why your KPI was selected.
  4. 4. Determine how the relationship increased your KPI.
  5. 5. Determine when the relationship plateaued. How long has it been in a plateau? Have you exhausted all options?
  6. 6. Determine when there was a contraction and hindrance of growth. If it has been this way for several months, with little chance of change, end the relationship.

Example:

  1. 1. KPI is “growth”
  2. 2. Growth: an increase in quality of life in the categories of: mental, physical, emotional, social, and financial health.
  3. 3. Why: Growth is essential for my happiness.
  4. 4. How: The relationship helped me learn more about myself, spirituality, culture, and compassion.
  5. 5. When: The relationship provided growth for the first year. It plateaued after a series of outside events. All options we exhausted to get it back on track.
  6. 6. When: After the first year the relationship experienced contraction. During the past 6 months of the relationship, it is clear contraction, and lack of growth has been occurring.

Today’s Takeaways:

Today was less about finding the problems, and more about creating a solution. After recording I focused on being in the moment and appreciative of nature.

Reminders:

“Free yourself from negative people. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and like minded. Relationships Should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make you day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.” Unknown

This week’s takeaways: Week in Review – July 03 – July 09

Script Notes:

  • Measuring Growth in relationships.
  • Re == relationship
  • – Utilitarian frame.
  • – Re ran its course.
  • – Norm was to watch TV.
  • – Time wasted vs time invested.
  • – Focus on the KPI growth.

Growth.

  • – Defining terms: “growth”
  • – Why: human growth?
  • – How: helped me grow?
  • – When: plateaued?
  • – When: hurt growth?

Walk Time: 30 min

Creation Issues:

  • – My hand was visible when I held my phone with my right arm, and shaky.
  • – Walked east into the sun in the morning so no lens flare

Change Log:

  • – Relocated the transcript to the bottom of the page.
  • – Changed naming convention of “takeaways” to “today’s takeaways”.
  • – Reordered “Take away’s”, “reminders”, and “This week’s takeaways” into a more logical progression.
  • – Changed the format and wording of “Thoughts from the walk” to “From the walk”
  • – Added a “script notes” section so I could show my unadulterated shorthand, and elaborate on the core points of the framework in the “From the Walk” section.

Transcript:

Hey! Happy 4th of July.

So this is Ben from Seize Success. Today, I’m doing a follow up vlog of my topic yesterday and I’ll probably be on this for a little bit. That has to do with just improving relationships and that sort of thing. Because me personally, I just went through a very negative breakup and I’m kind of doing a lot of soul searching and that sort of thing.

So today’s topic is growth and really focusing on key performance indicators in a relationship or KPI’s. If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s basically the most important metric that you can use the kind of measure the growth of a particular thing. So with like a website for example you would measure the amount of visitors you get to see like how successful you are. Same thing with like YouTube views that sort of thing. So in relationship I’m using growth as my key performance indicator. Let’s define growth because everyone growth can be a little bit different. To me in the context of the relationship it has to do with being with someone who helps you grow, not only mentally so you learn new things. You know to some extent experientially but that’s not too important to me you know going out and doing things together. Spiritually is definitely a big one for me now. I feel like I grew a lot in the past relationship that way. I would also say things like socially and just emotional maturity really come into play as well. It’s just emotional intelligence and improving those things. Getting to test them. So to kind of frame like my past relationship and use that as kind of the example for this template.

Her and I had been in a relationship for I’d say probably close to two years. I started looking at it when it really started to plateau, when it was growing, when it was kind of contracting and I use those as the basis of the framework that I came up with this morning. I would say probably about a year or so into the relationship is really where we kind of hit our plateau and we stop growing. You know we stopped intellectually kind of connecting and sharing things. You know in the end we grew quite a bit spiritually because we went through a bunch of turmoil which is great but it was really this kind of interconnected sort of growth. So that didn’t really help much. Towards like the you know second year of the relationship we started experiencing it like financial problems. Communication was a big problem that we had. You know I’m very much a thinking type she’s very much a feeling type and that causes a lot of lack of continuity and communication problems. We’ve also come from streams you know alcoholic backgrounds with narcissistic parents. So that didn’t really help either. You know you don’t know what you don’t know. So that’s kind of where I’m at in terms of growth.

But, back in the context of the relationship after about a year we really stopped growing. It’s like you know a lot of couples that just kind of sliding to complacency. We sort of just watching TV together you know maybe going out to a certain local places occasionally but the host for lack of better terms of Vulcan bonds that we had, that in mind melds, that you know spiritual connection and intellectual social everything connection just really started to simmer and a lot of resentment was just layered upon more resentment because of our lack of communication problems. So in the context of this framework. Where do you really draw the line.? Well for me, I mean I think you know hindsight is 2020. You know obviously things are crystal clear there but there are you know red flags especially had enough experience with the relationships to where you can kind of see when things are kind of go off the rails and you either try to course correct or you know cut ties and run. And that’s what I should have done you know I started realizing those maybe about a year. So recognize the plateau, you know really realize when the relationship is great for you and when it’s not and you need to kind of assess the plateau so you know is this just a learning curve is this something I have to stay at for a while so that it’s time invested instead of time wasted. That’s another big factor for me and part of the framework. The time you’re spending together is that what you would consider quality time. So is it time that you’re investing in the relationship your own personal growth and the growth of your partner maybe you know if you want to be altruistic and really think about the long term or is it time wasted. You know are you guys just doing the same old thing going to the same old places just watching television. You know there’s really no growth in there and there’s a lot of just contraction. And that’s another thing I wanted to talk about is expansion versus contraction.

Human expansion is great. It allows you to be a better version yourself continually and ideally from a utilitarian standpoint. That’s why you would want to have a relationship in the first place. When it stops being that and even when you get to maybe a negative point and it causes you after the plateau to dip and to really contract and get into this mindset of you know depression, anxiety that sort of thing then that is just like a clear sign a clear indicator. If you’ve already done that time analysis versus time wasted versus time invested. You know if you see a clear pattern there it’s time to cut and run.

Unfortunately, I succumbed through a lot of social influence. You know a lot of things in my past that were kind of like well you know we really like each other we’re loyal. We should work it out. And it’s an unhealthy way of thinking and it’s not a useful way of thinking. So that’s one thing to consider that I like to put out there is just if a relationship you’re in isn’t serving you what are you doing in it. If you’re not growing you know you’re either stand still and that’s got to suck because you know the human spirit loves to expand and grow and so does the mind. So if you’re stagnant or even worse the relationship is causing harm to you mentally, psychologically, everything because it’s all connected man body mind experience. Maybe it’s time to get out of it and I can say that I’m I’m happy with how things turned out. We ended on an amicable page but I think I’m kind of at the point now where I may not even want to be friends with her. You know I’m not going to do like the typical INCJ door slam you know thing where you totally cut someone of your life. I’d like to be you know personable and be considered for feelings so they still did care about her and I’m thankful for the growth. But, now when it’s all said and done, you really have to evaluate if the relationship is worth it or not.

So in the comments below, feel free to share any sort of experience might have with this. Ask any questions. You know all that typical good stuff. I’m gonna include the framework a link to the framework and you can also check out a couple of different resources that I’m probably going to add to template that I’m going to put together to kind of analyze the quality of your relationships. Well let’s me Ben with Seize Success.

Thanks and I hope you guys have a great day.

301 Days Of Code